MEDICAL PSA #5: INTOXICATIONS

It's fun to let loose and have a couple drinks, right?

That's what I used to say before I went on a bender one night and woke up in a Mexican jail with El Salvadoran gang tats on my neck, missing two fingers, and no recollection of how I got there.

It was only then that I realized I may have a problem. How could I have prevented this, I wondered...?

1) Stay Hydrated

Alcohol (as well as your beloved caffeine) is a diuretic.
This means it increases the filtration of blood by your kidneys, thereby causing an increased urinary output and potential subsequent fluid volume deficit. (Say Whaaaaaaat?)

Worse still, alcohol-induced vomiting (also known as puking, tossing cookies, reading rainbow) and/or diarrhea (also known as those next-morning post-beer shits Bukowski was always talking about) will worsen your dehydration.

Dehydration is dumb.
It makes you feel weak, tired, and generally lousy; it can also cause you to faint.
 
Fainting is also dumb.
Who wants to faint and risk smashing their head on a rock, causing an intracranial hemorrhage - or even worse, cause you to miss all the evening's fun and festivities?

1b) Certain perspiration-inducing activities can also cause or worsen dehydration.
Activities like dancing, heavy physical labor, and 18 hour marathon orgies all require an increased intake of water and/or non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated beverages to sustain you.

Also be sure to take an appropriate amount of salt and protein to increase the oncotic pressure of your blood and thus maintain an adequate fluid volume status!

Pro-tip: If you find yourself low on salt and protein, Orgy Dome may be a resource you can utilize.

2) Know Your Limits

I totally love spending the evening hunched over the porcelain god praying that if I live through tonight I'll never drink so much again and then when I pass out my friends laugh and draw penises around my mouth in sharpie and take pictures of me with their balls on my forehead!

Not!

Believe me, being too inebriated is waaaay less exciting than I make it sound! On top of that, vomit is MOOP and your hangover is going to suck doubly so when you're scooping up your own fetid emesis into a smelly trash bag the next morning.

Add to that, no one wants to have to tell your royal drunkenness for the 5th time to stop talking too close, stop leaning on the DJ table, and please stop hitting on me... I mean, maybe if you were sober enough to get it up... but, no, just no.
 

You are not a child, please do not get so wasted that others have to set limits on your behaviour and then skulk away in secret when you're not looking so they can escape your buzz-kill, chick-repellent of a presence.

3) Take Care of Your Friends

If your friend is too fucked up and is alternating between making an ass of his/herself and leaving a trail of vomit-scented psychedelic art installations in his/her wake, be a stand-up human, step up, and take care of them.

-Take them for a walk in the woods to distract and destimulate them.
-Talk calmly to deescalate their drunken belligerence.
-Take them back to camp so they can vomit all over their own stuff (or better yet, in their own contractor bag!)

-Give them food and water (only if not vomiting) to soak up the alcohol and help them sober up.

-Put them to bed with a bucket so they don't wake up covered in mosquito bites with the worst hangover of their life.
-Talk to Rangers/Sanctuary if you need assistance calming the situation.
-Talk to the Blue Dots if you are concerned for your friend's safety, that they may stop breathing, aspirate on their own vomit, injure themselves because they are too drunk and confused to realize they can't fly, etc...