Medical PSAs! Now with 94% less day-ruining reality! Let's be honest, the folks at Firefly Medical Legion (FML) are kinda a little bit snarky. We are so jaded by our day jobs that we weave jokes into Public Service Announcements about preventing unnecessary deaths. (We totally care about your splinter though!) But seriously - to take a brief reprieve from the snark - we do actually enjoy helping you. We will gladly assist you with any medical-related problem you may have (yes, even splinters). And when you come to see us, we totally won't make fun of you. Because we at FML care so much about our community, we aim for an attainable ideal: One where every member is prepared for the worst, is educated and capable, and is radically self-reliant; One where we don't accidentally injure each other. To promote these linked goals of community education, preparedness, and independence, we've compiled this list of common and/or concerning potential problems you may confront at Firefly. Firefly Medical Legion - We give a FAQ! **Fire: Bad?** We've already reviewed that fire can be very hot. But some of us (most of us) learn by doing (are too stubborn to listen to good advice). Thus, minor burns can be expected. To treat a minor burn: - Place the area in cool water. Never use ice to treat a burn. - If there is a blister, leave it intact. Opening the blister exposes you to infection. - If the blister has burst accidentally, remove the excess/dead skin, wash the area, and apply bacitracin and a dry bandage. - For mild burns, and sunburns with simple redness of the skin, apply aloe. Never apply oily ointment or vaseline, and never come to see FML. (Ok fine, mayyyybe come to us if you're still worried for some reason.) When to come see FML? - If you have a (non-sunburn) burn to your face or neck - especially if you have difficulty breathing. - If you have a severe burn - especially if there is numbness to the area. - If your burn wraps around a limb or torso. - If your burn seems especially large. - If you want to hear someone say "Fuck your burn." (Not your injury burn - your event burn. This is funny because it's a play on words. That is why you are laughing right now.) **Loss Of Consciousness** To treat a loss of consciousness: - Wake up. When to come see FML? - If you cannot wake up. - If you are not breathing. - If your heart is not beating. - If you felt dizzy and/or lightheaded before you lost consciousness. - If you felt chest pain and/or difficulty breathing before you passed out. - If you shake or thrash while unconscious. - If you pee or poop yourself while thrashingly unconscious. - If your loss of consciousness was preceded by being struck in the head, neck, or chest. - If you lost consciousness after seeing how much blood you just lost. **Sprains, Strains, and Automobiles** To treat simple sprains and strains, use the mnemonic RICE. - Rest your injury. Don't dance on your twisted ankle, don't twerk on your popped booty, and don't do headspins on your fractured neck. - Ice your injury. 4-6 times/day x2-3 days for no more than 20 minutes at a time. This will reduce swelling and injury severity and will encourage faster recovery. - Compress your injury. Bring an ACE Wrap! Wrap snugly (and snuggle-y!), but make sure your foot doesn't turn blue. - Elevate your injury. Elevate it above the level of your heart whenever able. This will reduce swelling and pain. When to come see FML? - If you have a gross deformity. - If you have lost function of your injured body part. - If you are otherwise concerned you may have a broken bone. **Penetration Injuries (the bad kind)** To treat any break in your skin (including cuts, scrapes, gunshot wounds, degloving injuries, or whatever): - Clean the area with soap and water (if you're not going to shower, you may as well use it for something, right?) - Apply Bacitracin. - Cover with a clean and dry bandage. - Keep the bandage CLEAN and DRY. - Change the dressing if it is no longer clean and dry. - Also, change it daily. Don't be gross. When to come see FML? - If the bleeding won't stop after 5 minutes of pressure. - If you have a deep penetration injury (or would like one). - If you no longer have a part of your body attached to you. - If you can see weird things underneath the injury - stringy things, little globules, bone, brain, whatever. - If you otherwise think you may need stitches. - If your wound starts showing signs of infection, including: redness, pain, warmth, swelling, thick opaque pus, or a red streak moving from the wound towards your torso. **Another Fucking Foot Injury? Seriously?** To prevent any injury to your... fuck it, just wear your damn shoes, will you? No one wants to smell your filthy fucking feet anyway, you dirty hippy. (Apologies for the body shaming! FML loves feet! -Ed.) To treat your foot injury, follow the above instructions for skin breaks and sprains/strains. This topic was only included here because it is not only the most common, but also the most preventable complaint seen by FML. When to come see FML? - If you want to be ribbed by some of the biggest assholes this side of Saturn. - If you're worried that you actually injured yourself pretty bad. **Intoxications!** We went over this last year. No one will want to hang out if you are too fucked up. Don't be one of those... How to stay healthy? - Stay hydrated! Alcohol, caffeine, vomiting, diarrhea, and sweating all contribute to dehydration. - Know your limits! No one wants to babysit you, and FML does not have the resources to staff a drunk tank. - Take care of your friends! Be socially responsible. We all make mistakes, and the best of us support our friends through theirs. Help keep your friends safe if they imbibe a little too much and once they're sober tell them what an asshole they were and that they fucking owe you. That's what real friends do. - Take care of your mess! Puke is moop! Pick it up and take it home with you! When to come see FML? - If you or your friend are dying. - If you are concerned you or your friend might be at risk for dying. - If your sober friend is acting more bizarre than what is socially acceptable within the blurry boundaries of behaviour for a radically expressive temporary autonomous zone. **Are you allergic to snark?** Allergies (not the seasonal ones) can cause a life-threatening swelling of the airway. - Don't forget your Epi-Pens! - Last year we reviewed the last resort to fix an airway so swollen with histamines that the person can no longer breathe. If you don't a hole cut in your trachea because it's the only option to keep you alive, then bring your Epi-Pen. When to come see FML? - If you are having an allergic reaction of any type. Don't risk it. Sincerely, Firefly Medical Legion