MEDICAL PSA #5: INTOXICATIONS
It's fun to let loose and have a couple drinks, right?
That's what I used to say before I went on a bender one night and woke up
in a Mexican jail with El Salvadoran gang tats on my neck, missing two
fingers, and no recollection of how I got there.
It was only then that I realized I may have a problem. How could I have
prevented this, I wondered...?
1) Stay Hydrated
Alcohol (as well as your beloved caffeine) is a diuretic.
This means it increases the filtration of blood by your kidneys, thereby
causing an increased urinary output and potential subsequent fluid volume
deficit. (Say Whaaaaaaat?)
Worse still, alcohol-induced vomiting (also known as puking, tossing
cookies, reading rainbow) and/or diarrhea (also known as those next-morning
post-beer shits Bukowski was always talking about) will worsen your
Dehydration is dumb.
It makes you feel weak, tired, and generally lousy; it can also cause you
Fainting is also dumb.
Who wants to faint and risk smashing their head on a rock, causing an
intracranial hemorrhage - or even worse, cause you to miss all the
evening's fun and festivities?
1b) Certain perspiration-inducing activities can also cause or worsen
Activities like dancing, heavy physical labor, and 18 hour marathon orgies
all require an increased intake of water and/or non-alcoholic,
non-caffeinated beverages to sustain you.
Also be sure to take an appropriate amount of salt and protein to increase
the oncotic pressure of your blood and thus maintain an adequate fluid
Pro-tip: If you find yourself low on salt and protein, Orgy Dome may be a
resource you can utilize.
2) Know Your Limits
I totally love spending the evening hunched over the porcelain god praying
that if I live through tonight I'll never drink so much again and then
when I pass out my friends laugh and draw penises around my mouth in
sharpie and take pictures of me with their balls on my forehead!
Believe me, being too inebriated is waaaay less exciting than I make it
sound! On top of that, vomit is MOOP and your hangover is going to suck
doubly so when you're scooping up your own fetid emesis into a smelly trash
bag the next morning.
Add to that, no one wants to have to tell your royal drunkenness for the
5th time to stop talking too close, stop leaning on the DJ table, and
please stop hitting on me... I mean, maybe if you were sober enough to get
it up... but, no, just no.
You are not a child, please do not get so wasted that others have to set
limits on your behaviour and then skulk away in secret when you're not
looking so they can escape your buzz-kill, chick-repellent of a presence.
3) Take Care of Your Friends
If your friend is too fucked up and is alternating between making an ass of
his/herself and leaving a trail of vomit-scented psychedelic art
installations in his/her wake, be a stand-up human, step up, and take care
-Take them for a walk in the woods to distract and destimulate them.
-Talk calmly to deescalate their drunken belligerence.
-Take them back to camp so they can vomit all over their own stuff (or
better yet, in their own contractor bag!)
-Give them food and water (only if not vomiting) to soak up the alcohol and
help them sober up.
-Put them to bed with a bucket so they don't wake up covered in mosquito
bites with the worst hangover of their life.
-Talk to Rangers/Sanctuary if you need assistance calming the situation.
-Talk to the Blue Dots if you are concerned for your friend's safety, that
they may stop breathing, aspirate on their own vomit, injure themselves
because they are too drunk and confused to realize they can't fly, etc...
And hopefully your friends will do the same for you, were you ever to find
your amateur self in the same amateur pair of over-indulged amateur shoes,